Brandeis Names New President (PURIM SPOOF)

In a surprising turn of events, Brandeis University’s Board of Trustees named Alan “Shlomo” Veingrad as the ninth president of the school, effective August 1. Although not from a traditional academic background, Veingrad displayed outstanding leadership as a player for the world champion Dallas Cowboys in 1992.

Since retiring from the National Football League (NFL), Veingrad has become a rising star in the world of business and an observant Jew. Part of Veingrad’s appeal, in addition to his deep understanding of the university’s historic relationship with the Jewish community, is his vow to restore Brandeis’ football program and turn the school into a division 1 powerhouse.

Brandeis’ football team played its first game on September 30, 1950, a road win against Maine Maritime Academy. On May 16, 1960, Brandeis announced it would discontinue its varsity football team, citing the cost. During its nine years of varsity play, Brandeis’ football team recorded 34 wins, 33 losses and four ties.

Despite the mediocre record, Brandeis actually generated some impressive highlights. Brandeis football star Bill McKenna (’55) was the university’s first All-American and went on to play professionally in the Canadian football league for many years. And Benny Friedman, a forward-pass pioneer and Brandeis’ long-time football coach, was inducted posthumously into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

“It is an exceptional honor to be chosen by Brandeis. I intend to restore the university’s athletic program to glory, starting with football,” said Veingrad.

“Turning Brandeis University into a football powerhouse will help us quickly and significantly increase revenues, eventually generating millions of dollars for the university’s academic departments and professors, and increasing our national profile. My Super Bowl ring will help donors understand my seriousness in this endeavor.” 

Alan "Shlomo" Veingrad teaches a Jewish audience about his 5-point program for success.
Alan “Shlomo” Veingrad teaches a Jewish audience about his 5-point program for success.

“My personal history proves that Jewish athletes can succeed on the highest levels,” according to Veingrad, who said he will partner with New England Patriot’s owner Robert Kraft to revitalize Brandeis’ Waltham campus with a state-of-the-art football stadium. “Brandeis has a world-class gym that once served as a practice facility for the Boston Celtics,” said Veingrad. “We will improve the campus infrastructure by building a cutting-edge football stadium that will feature a mezuzah in every doorway.”

“I already know of some wonderful, under-the-radar football prospects who have been honing their skills at the Kraft Family Stadium in Jerusalem,” said Veingrad.

A presidential search committee chose Veingrad after an extensive national search.

“Our charge was to find an outstanding leader who would understand and respect the university’s unique Jewish heritage, further enhance academic quality, engage alumni actively in the life of the university, and perhaps most importantly, establish Brandeis as an athletic force on the division 1 level in order to create a much-needed revenue windfall,” said Perry M. Traquina ’78, chair of the Brandeis Board of Trustees. “We believe we have found all of the above in Alan Shlomo Veingrad. He will take our university straight into the end zone.”

Traquina added that it was important for the university to publicize its choice before the Jewish holiday of Purim. For more information on president-elect Veingrad, visit: http://www.alanveingrad.com/about.htm.

You can congratulate him on Twitter.

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